A WAY TO BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

I admit that I don’t know much about the science of physical fitness. But experts say that an important measure of how in-shape you are is not primarily how fast or far or how long you can go. What matters most about your overall physical fitness is dependent on how quickly after physical exertion that you recover.

Did you ever see the “greatest entrance ever” that Chris Farley made on Late Night with David Letterman? Now that was physical exertion. And did you see how he struggled to recover? Even Letterman seemed to be getting alarmed. That’s a pretty good example of excess exertion and the struggle to recover. It was obvious that Farley wasn’t in the greatest shape. But that was his schtick.

It’s an important skill, this ability to recover, not just physically, but in virtually every aspect of our lives. 

No matter how committed to a relationship people are, they will have disagreements and arguments that can be serious and disturbing for them. In fact, without some conflict a relationship is probably distant and disconnected. It’s the model of peaceful co-existence – people find a sweet spot, or at least a spot, of non-confrontation and non-annoyance. They learn to stay out of each other’s way. When one or the other or both people in a committed, long term relationship are afraid of and avoid conflict, inevitably there will be a disconnect between them. They will be alone together.

I’ll add that not too many of us enjoy conflict, it’s disturbing to be upset and be the reason someone you care about is angry or hurt. But if avoiding conflict is the central focus of any relationship, there will be a degree of disconnect.

So, do we agree that conflict is inevitable in a marriage or other committed long term relationship – even in a family and friendships? And that conflict is, in itself, not a bad thing?  Accepting and dealing with the reality of conflict could in fact be an opportunity to improve the relationship. By the way, the hope of improving the relationship is a prime motivation for setting a boundary with someone.

The health, quality and longevity of any relationship depends to a significant degree on the relationship’s ability to recover from conflict as it arises.

In couple therapy circles the process of recovery is usually referred to as repair, and one of the leading voices in working with couples is the Gottman Institute. John Gottman calls repair the secret weapon of emotionally connected couples. If you’re curious, there are  abundant resources available from the Gottman Institute. Books by John Gottman and many others offer effective strategies for repairing relationship wounds.

Highlighting the importance of quick and timely repair as “a secret weapon” underscores emotional connection as foundational in a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

But the techniques and behaviours of repair aren’t very effective when they’re used as a strategy or techniques simply  to achieve peace and stability. Or worse, when the aim of the repair is to control the other person, this is manipulation and not repair at all. The tools, in fact, become  weapons. And few of us want that, or will accept it for very long.

It seems to me that there are a couple of essential conditions that need to be in place for there to be genuine, loving repair.

One is having a positive regard, empathy and compassion for the other person. And that attitude rests, and is dependent on having some understanding of oneself. After all, what’s the use of employing repair strategies when the last thing you want to do is nurture fondness and admiration for the other because what you really want to do is punish them by sulking and handing out the silent treatment. That’s when you’re being reactive. Not mindful, or self-aware.

Certain basic human traits remain eternal: curiosity and empathy, the urge to know and the urge to connect. These twin attributes are our means of existence and tools for survival. 

(Azar Nafisi, The Republic of the Imagination)

It’s essential to develop the ability to let the intense urge to case-build and punish to diminish and pass away. Repairing  our relational wounds rests on nurturing this skill, that is, to turn our attention inward and watch as sensations, emotions and so on rise up and, slowly sometimes, diminish. There is no room for the white heat of resentment, self-pity or narcissism in the desire to know and connect with those you love.

Maintaining an attitude of curiosity and empathy about ourselves when we’re being resentful or wallowing in self-pity is, believe it or not, the spiritual prerequisite to reaching out and connecting with others. Coming to know and connect with ourselves can make it possible to reach out to and repair our relationships.

I’ll be offering some of the how-tos that I believe are important in developing a practice that leads to deeper self-awareness as the pathway to emotional connection. Because what matters most is the journey, the path that leads us to one another. It’s what makes repairing our relationships possible when we will, from time to time, inevitably lose our way.