CODEPENDENCY: THE LOSS OF SELF

My thoughts about addiction with some more thoughts on the effects of addiction, specifically the impact of addiction on other people. That impact has become known as codependence.

My comments come unboxed and filtered through my experience of growing up in my family and my work as a counselling therapist. I’ve worked in two inpatient addictions treatment centres, with inpatients and with family members impacted by their loved-one’s addiction. Friends and employers too sometimes.

I mentioned last time that I don’t like the word codependent.

Why? Because, in a word, it’s shaming. “Stop being so codependent”. “It’s no use talking to them, they’re codependent.” “Codependents are sicker than the addict. I’d drink too if I lived with someone so controlling” “Codependents can’t really love – they’re love addicts.” And so on …

There are always attempts to come up with alternative terms, and having to say “people impacted by another person’s addiction” is too clunky. So, for now, codependency remains.

There are multiple descriptions and definitions – I like the one that emphasises its relational characteristics: codependency is the result of a person focusing so much of their emotional energy on another person that they lose themselves. It is, at its core, a loss of self.

This is important: I believe that codependence is a useful concept only in the context of addiction. I’ll explain why another time.

To be codependent is to be impacted by another person’s relationship with a substance or behaviour that continues in spite of negative consequences.

Because it is our essence to be relational, it is impossible not to be impacted by another’s addiction.

The depth and power of that impact is directly proportional to the meaning, the significance, of the relationship. In other words, the impact of the addiction of a spouse or child or parent is far greater on a person than that of a neighbour or coworker. But there is inevitably an impact, an effect, on any relationship when addiction is involved.

The most commonly heard refrain from the mouths of the spouses, siblings, parents and children of people with addiction:

“They just need to get clean and sober, then everything will be fine. He/she’s a lovely person. It’s the drinking ….”

The second most commonly heard refrain:

“Why should I get counselling or have to take a family program? They’re the one with the problem.”

“I’m fine”

Too often we’re not even aware that we’re being impacted.

There are many more things to be said about the relationships that have been overwhelmed and disordered by addiction.

For now though I’ll just say that it’s self-evident that a relationship is a system with many parts. What happens in one part impacts the whole. And it follows that any change in one part impacts the whole.

So perhaps the best thing a person affected by another’s addiction – the codependent – can do is, rather than putting all their efforts into healing the addict, find the pathway to healing for themselves first.

I’d be happy to have your feedback.